Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Trust yourself

"Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live" Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I think this must be a difficult thing to do, to just trust yourself.  I very often make mistakes. Sometimes I do trust myself, other times I have doubts.
I am not a great decision maker,  in fact, I really do not like to make decisions at all.
When I start to doubt myself, I have to stop and remember that most of the choices I make are good ones.  I am not sure why, but when I start to feel unsettled or unsure, my mind just returns to Scotland.  My daughter did her junior year abroad in Stirling Scotland.  My father and I went to visit her. It was a whirlwind trip that lasted only 5 days, but it has left a lasting impression on my thoughts.  
I think perhaps it was because I felt really happy in Scotland.  

Okay something weird happened with blogger and most of this post disappeared in posting. So here is my attempt to re-create it.

From the moment we landed on Scottish land, I felt a sense of happiness.  I was getting to spend valuable time with my dad, I was getting to see my daughter again whom I hadn't seen in several months and I was on vacation.  Everyone I met in Scotland was kind and charming and truly friendly.  I don't think I encountered one cross person,  oh wait,  yes the woman who was monitoring the booths at the pay toilet at the train station was rather cross,  but on the whole the people of Scotland are warm, inviting and very friendly, even the cab drivers!  Everyone calls you "Love".  It is very a endearing greeting.   We took tours to Loch Ness on the first full day in Scotland.  It was a long day, we had trouble finding the place we were supposed to meet the bus, we were walking around in Edinburgh in the rain, getting despondent because we thought we had missed the bus,  when we happened upon the travel agent shop,  where we found  all the other tourists, from various countries,  waiting for the bus.  It was a magical day and traveling into the highlands was breathtaking and awesome. Loch Ness the the most beautiful and extremely deep loch. The town we visited at the beginning of the loch, which I am sure thrives on tourism, was lovely.  I felt like I wanted to stay there for the entire rest of the trip.  I felt at home in the highlands,  perhaps in another life I was a highlander!  The bens and glens and lochs were the most beautiful awe inspiring places.  The history of the area is so fascinating it left me wanting  to read more. 

The next tour took us to the Trossachs National Park and to the bonnie banks of Loch Lomond,  the weather was blustery and standing on the deck of the boat on the loch was tricky.  But I really didn't care how wet I was, as I was smiling most of the time I was in Scotland.

Perhaps another reason I felt so happy there was seeing my girl so happy and at home in this wonderful landscape.  She is an amazing person and will be graduating from University this May.  I have been gradually conditioning myself for the time when she is gone and off beginning a fabulous life and career somewhere.  Whatever she does I know it will be amazing.  She is one of the happiest, most delightful people that I know.  She has always been a bubbly, enthusiastic person, whose light shines brightly on all who encounter her.

So, I realize that part of the euphoria I was feeling was due to the fact that it was vacation after all, but I am wondering why it is such a trial to feel happy in the real world.  I seem to have to keep reminding myself of what I have to feel happy about.

To end this post on a happy note, tonight is the last Illini ice hockey game in Rochester New York, ( I love western New York by the way), here's hoping they come home victorious with a trophy!


spotted dog farm said...

i have such a hard time with decision-making too. i second guess everything for as long as possible, years sometimes. do you find that returning to thoughts of scotland gives you guidance? or just comfort? your memories from there sound so compelling! i'd love some sign-posts myself, just don't seem to know where to look.

Single at 50 said...

I think both guidance and comfort. It reminds me to be happy in the moment.