Monday, June 28, 2010


"Sieze the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waves off the dessert cart. Erma Bombeck

Perhaps I have been seizing too many moments! Once upon a time I lost 25 pounds. I did it fairly easily. I was very good, and only ate healthy food, lots of protein and fewer carbs. I had convinced myself that I had made a real life style change.

Then the unspeakable happened. My beloved son died and suddenly I have no control over my mind. I try and try and do well for a few days, but then I get an uncontrollable urge for potato chips and candy. I seize the moment when i feel like that, but unfortunately I have been feeling like that too often.

I was reading an article today that pointed out the difference between happiness and your pleasure center. I am happy most of the time. I have many things to be happy about. I have a wonderful man who loves me and two very beautiful intelligent daughters who spend time with me.

Come September, things will change again in my life. Both girls will be heading off to grad school, one in California and the other in Scotland. I will be alone in my house again for the first time in 2 years. I am so very excited for both the girls. And I will still have Steve, who keeps me busy and happy!

I still have 15 pounds to lose.

So, I should be able to just say no to those urges when they hit, or at least, only say yes once in a while. Can I do it? Yes I think I can.

Monday, June 7, 2010


For certain is death for the born
And Certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not gireve
Bhagavad Gita

I feel so out of control. I can't seem to manage my diet or much else in my life. I feel unorganized and just sort of blah most of the time. I manage to have some fun. My friends and family are so good to me. But, the fact of the matter is I am still grieving. I will be grieving for quite a while.

I feel certain I will snap out of this funk at some point. I have so much in my life to be thankful for.

The key point I have just realized is that I feel even more afraid now that something will happen to the people I love the most. Now that it has happened, with my son's death, I feel even more fearful that it will happen again. I think this above all is what is really wrong with me.

How do I get this out of my head? Who knows. I just try to put it on a shelf and live each and enjoy the time I have with the people I love. My rational mind tells me to stop thinking such thing,of which I have no control. My emotional self just worries.

I am getting on a plane headed for Ireland. I will be with my Dad, my sister, my brother and his wife. I am very excited about spending this time with my dad, but I will be worrying about the girls, and the dog. I am excited to see Ireland ( I will be in Killarney and can't help but think about the song Christmas in Killarney, by Bing Crosby). BUT here is the problem, I have to GET ON A PLANE and CROSS THE ATLANTIC to get there. This is a little scary.

So just putting these thoughts out there seems to help. I don't feel hopeless, in fact I am full of hope. I think I just feel sad.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Wine and Cheese

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
W.C. Fields

Wine and cheese what could be a better combination. Today is Thursday and that means a trip to Krannert center for Uncorked!

Thursdays are often my most relaxing day. It doesn't matter what has gone on at work, how harried I have been all day, just knowing that at 4:30pm Steve will retrieve me and off we go to sip wine and eat cheese!

Sometimes there is a bonus, music with wine and cheese and Steve. Now how could I ask for more.

Today has been very satisfying at work. I have actually written most of the report I have had on my desk for weeks. Finishing something that you want to work on but, just can't get to because a hundred other things pop up, is extremely satisfying.

So, come join Steve and I at Krannert for a little wine and a little cheese and a little music by the Pain Killers!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Grumpy, tired, not fit to be around. Well, these adjectives so describe me this morning.
For whatever dumb reasons I can come up with I fit this description. Do I want to be grumpy, tired, not fit to be around. The answer is emphatically NO!

So, I read this blog this morning that I think is wonderful, and it started me on a journey to just change my attitude this morning, quit being sorry for myself that I can't have ice cream or potato chips and lose the weight I am trying to lose, that I work so much, when I get home I am exhausted, that i get tired of doing dishes and cleaning the house and taking care of every stupid weed in my endless gardens, that I never have time to just chill with a good book.

Then I shopped in quotations and came up with this marvelous quote by Martha Washington
"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be in; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."

So I thank you Martha Washington and one of my favorite bloggers, for showing me the errors of my ways! I feel so much better now, I can tackle anything with a smile today.