Grief

For certain is death for the born

And Certain is birth for the dead;

Therefore over the inevitable

Thou shouldst not gireve

Bhagavad Gita

I feel so out of control. I can't seem to manage my diet or much else in my life. I feel unorganized and just sort of blah most of the time. I manage to have some fun. My friends and family are so good to me. But, the fact of the matter is I am still grieving. I will be grieving for quite a while.

I feel certain I will snap out of this funk at some point. I have so much in my life to be thankful for.

The key point I have just realized is that I feel even more afraid now that something will happen to the people I love the most. Now that it has happened, with my son's death, I feel even more fearful that it will happen again. I think this above all is what is really wrong with me.

How do I get this out of my head? Who knows. I just try to put it on a shelf and live each and enjoy the time I have with the people I love. My rational mind tells me to stop thinking such thing,of which I have no control. My emotional self just worries.

I am getting on a plane headed for Ireland. I will be with my Dad, my sister, my brother and his wife. I am very excited about spending this time with my dad, but I will be worrying about the girls, and the dog. I am excited to see Ireland ( I will be in Killarney and can't help but think about the song Christmas in Killarney, by Bing Crosby). BUT here is the problem, I have to GET ON A PLANE and CROSS THE ATLANTIC to get there. This is a little scary.

So just putting these thoughts out there seems to help. I don't feel hopeless, in fact I am full of hope. I think I just feel sad.