What to do with myself now?

"Nothing in the world is permanent, and we're foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it. If change is of the essence of existence one would have thought it only sensible to make it the premise of our philosophy." W. Somerset Maugham

So much in my world is changing. I have never been very good at change, even though I realize that change is the only constant a person can count on in this world.

My youngest daughter graduated with highest honors from the University of Illinois this May. Not only do I now really feel my age, I feel the winds of change coming my way. I am so proud of my daughter. She worked so diligently for 4 years to maintain the highest standards of education and she achieved her goal, by graduation as a Chancellor scholar and receiving the Bronze Tablet. She will be leaving for St. Andrews University in Scotland to get a Masters Degree in Social Psychology this September. I will miss her.

My other very clever daughter, who took some time off after graduating from U of I, to pick up some baking skills(and boy is she good) will be heading off to USC for graduate school in the Cinema Arts. I am so proud of her and I will really miss her, but I am so excited for her to be following her dream.

My son, passed from this world in March. This is about the biggest change to try to cope with. I still feel like I will pick up the phone and hear his voice, or see his big hearted smile when I open the door and get the biggest best hug from him. But, I know that will never happen here on this earth again. I may look like I am coping with this change to the people around me, but really I am just putting on a good front. My emotions are even more near to the surface than they usually are, and I am a very emotional person. Little stupid things can bring me to tears. A sudden movement or a loud noise can startle me so that I jump practically out of my skin. I carry him in my heart at all times. I think about him in just about everything I do. I am coping, I am grieving, but I will just keep on keeping on.

So, big changes for me come September. I will be alone in the house, really alone. What will I do with myself with all that alone time? It will be so strange at first. I will feel sad, I am sure, but then I will pick up a book from my increasing stack of books, that I can't seem to find the time to read even though I really want to, and a glass of diet pepsi, or a glass of red wine and just kick back and try to be calm. I will talk to Janet in Scotland via Skype. I will talk to Regena on the phone and I will talk to Ryan in my prayers.

I am quite sure Steve will keep me busy with wonderful things and I have a trip to Ireland in September to look forward to that will ease the impending change. I am so thankful for Steve and for all my children and family and friends who keep me grounded.