Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What to do with myself now?

So much in my world is changing. I have never been very good at change, even though I realize that change is the only constant a person can count on in this world.

My youngest daughter graduated with highest honors from the University of Illinois this May. Not only do I now really feel my age, I feel the winds of change coming my way. I am so proud of my daughter. She worked so diligently for 4 years to maintain the highest standards of education and she achieved her goal, by graduation as a Chancellor scholar and receiving the Bronze Tablet. She will be leaving for St. Andrews University in Scotland to get a Masters Degree in Social Psychology this September. I will miss her.

My other very clever daughter, who took some time off after graduating from U of I, to pick up some baking skills(and boy is she good) will be heading off to USC for graduate school in the Cinema Arts. I am so proud of her and I will really miss her, but I am so excited for her to be following her dream.

My son, passed from this world in March. This is about the biggest change to try to cope with. I still feel like I will pick up the phone and hear his voice, or see his big hearted smile when I open the door and get the biggest best hug from him. But, I know that will never happen here on this earth again. I may look like I am coping with this change to the people around me, but really I am just putting on a good front. My emotions are even more near to the surface than they usually are, and I am a very emotional person. Little stupid things can bring me to tears. A sudden movement or a loud noise can startle me so that I jump practically out of my skin. I carry him in my heart at all times. I think about him in just about everything I do. I am coping, I am grieving, but I will just keep on keeping on.

So, big changes for me come September. I will be alone in the house, really alone. What will I do with myself with all that alone time? It will be so strange at first. I will feel sad, I am sure, but then I will pick up a book from my increasing stack of books, that I can't seem to find the time to read even though I really want to, and a glass of diet pepsi, or a glass of red wine and just kick back and try to be calm. I will talk to Janet in Scotland via Skype. I will talk to Regena on the phone and I will talk to Ryan in my prayers.

I am quite sure Steve will keep me busy with wonderful things and I have a trip to Ireland in September to look forward to that will ease the impending change. I am so thankful for Steve and for all my children and family and friends who keep me grounded.

No comments: