Vacation Much needed

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop." Ovid

Time for me to get out of town!  Eight short days  from now I will be on the way to Scotland.
Scotland is always a great place to go to rewind. It is so beautiful there and even though there will be lots of walking, and maybe some rain, 7 days in Scotland is just what the doctor ordered for this tired girl.

Don't get me wrong, I love work, I am grateful to have a job. But, getting away sometimes is a grand thing, for an emotional person like me.

This adventure puts me on a coach tour with a bunch of people i don't know, but am more than willing to get to know.   I will be visiting the castle in Edinburgh and spend some time in the highlands,  get to see the newly redone rooms in Stirling Castle and some time in Glasgow, to see museums and cathedrals i have never seen before.

I have been somewhat gloomy for a few weeks,  I miss having family in easy driving distance.  Sometimes i feel so alone.  I have great friends and I have Steve, but i miss seeing my family.


So I am ready for a re-charge, and Scotland is just the place to unwind.

Thanksgiving

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"For each new morning with its light,
  For rest and shelter of the night,
  For health and for, for love and friends,
  For everything Thy goodness sends." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Contemplating this years thanksgiving feast, i began to feel very melancholy, as it struck me that again this year, i will not have any family at home to celebrate this great American holiday. Last year was difficult for me, not having my family at home.  I went to visit Steve's family in Indiana.  It was lovely, but just did not feel like Thanksgiving to me.

Really, I am thankful for so many things in my life.  I was raised in a loving family atmosphere with a mother and father who loved each other and all their family.  The abundance of love in my family sent me forth in the world to build my own family. Of course, in my usual way, I built my family, in two marriages and still ended up with just me and my children. What wonderful children they are.  We are missing one physical part of the family, since my son left this earthly world two years ago. He is always with me in my heart.

So as I sat there, contemplating my sadness, I started to think about all the wonderful Thanksgivings I have had in my life, as a little girl, and then as a woman with her own family, and I started to feel less sad and just truly thankful.  I am thankful that I get to cook a delicious meal in my own home. I am thankful for the smells that will fill my home as I prepare the food.  I am thankful for Steve and for his family that will join me at table this year. I am thankful for friends.  I am thankful for my daughters who get to spend the day together.  So here's to Thanksgiving!  I will leave you with the words of a great Scot   "Some hae meat and canna eat-
           And some wad eat that want it;
           Be we hae meat, and we can eat,
           Sae let the Lord be thankit."    Robert Burns

The Past The Present The Future

"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely, improve the present. It is thine. Go Forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Sitting around with co-workers with a cup of coffee in hand, the talk turned to school and teachers.  Everyone seems to remember every teacher they have ever had.  Me, not so much.  I can remember 3rd, 5th and 6th grades  and various teachers from junior high school ( why yes I am old enough to have gone to junior high school and not middle school)  and a few memorable teachers from high school.   I hear people say, oh it is because of this teacher that I am at this job or such things.  Me not so much.  I am not sure that I was greatly influenced by anyone other than my mom and dad.

So yes I enjoyed high school,  do I want to relive that part of my life, no.  I have so many wonderful memories of life after high school.  I don't really do anything in my life conventionally.  I was never highly ambitious to be anything special . Ironically, I chose teaching as my profession.  It was teaching or being a nurse. After starting college, quitting to marry, way too early in life, having a child and then getting divorced and returning to school, teaching won out over nursing.

Now that my children are grown, and gone from the home, I sometimes get caught up in thinking about the past.   Sometimes it makes me sad.  Mostly, though  I can remember some really fun times with my children with joy and wonder.

I surely cannot change anything in the past, and prefer to think about the present and not so much about the future.   I live my life in the present.  Happy, sad, contemplative, disgusted, tired but living the present to the fullest.   Looking forward to visiting with my children when I am able  but carving out a life of my own, which sometimes means doing things alone.

What comes next?   I don't know. My life is so different than what I thought it might be after graduating from college,  not sure I made the best decisions, but I have enjoyed life and being with the people I love. Even through tough times of loss, I have been able to put things in order and still just have a happy time.  What more can anyone ask?

Aging

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes."  Frank Lloyd Wright

I have been contemplating life and aging quite a bit of the time lately. I find this quote by Frank Lloyd Wright rather inspiring.   I took a day trip to visit my dad for his birthday.  Driving by my old high school, it struck me that I just don't remember the girl that spent 3 years of her life in that building.  I can't remember her much at all,  did she have dreams, aspirations, friends.  Was she funny or annoying or had any goals in life. I am sure she must have, but the woman that I am now, just cannot quite recall that girl of so long ago.

I have been feeling lonely for days gone past.  I miss people that have been so important in my life that I rarely get to see these days.  I work  and work and work every day to make money to live in my home.  A home that I shared with my children. A house full of memories.  

I find with all this meditation that I have been rather lucky.  Sure I have some sorrows that will never leave, but they can sit quietly in my mind, until I need to dust them off for a good cry every now and then, but overall, I have been lucky and content.  I have been fortunate to be able to travel some,  I have seen amazingly beautiful places and I have gotten to share that joy with people that I love.  I have truly wonderful family and friends and I think I agree with Frank Lloyd Wright.

Tis the Season

"This little green one here seems to need a home." Charlie Brown
 


Well it is the season.  I look forward to the Christmas season all year long.  I started watching Christmas movies in mid November.    I have traditions I uphold, because i love them.  I hang decorations that my children made so many years ago.  It is my favorite time of the year.

So I am contemplating why I have a mixed bag of feelings this year.  So many joyous feelings mixed with a bit of melancholy.   Thinking about how much my mom loved Christmas and how many seasons she has been gone.  My mother really loved Christmas and she held it in her heart all year long. She made each Christmas special when I was a little girl, that it became a part of who I am.  I am missing her so much this year,  perhaps it is because I am getting older.  I am missing Ryan so much also.  I have a pair of purple flannel pajamas that he bought me so many Christmases ago, and a purple night shirt, and a gold necklace that has two hearts,  he told me it was mine and his.   I miss him.  I hung his stocking with the rest of ours, even though nothing will be put in the stocking.   He is my son and just because he is not here on earth with me, he is in my heart.

So, I guess aging, is bringing on these thoughts of Christmases gone by,but thankfully, I still feel an enormous amount of joy and anticipation at this wondrous time of the year.  I look forward to spending time with family and friends, and just enjoying the season.



Merry Christmas!

Moon

"Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the Moon. July 1969AD.  We came in peach for all mankind." Neill Armstrong


In my quest to find beauty in each day, I sometimes get bogged down by life itself.  Most of the time my mind thinks I am 25 years old still.  But, occasionally my body says"  Oh no, you aren't 25  years old, you are more than twice that age!   Thanks body for reminding me.  I had a slight set back with my injured knee yesterday afternoon.  I have been having increased mobility and feeling pretty good, even started taking the stairs again.  Well, the knee rebelled, I stood up to do something at work and had searing pain in knee.  I hobbled home, took ibuprofen and laid down.  When i could move a little better I went to the store to procure a knee brace.  You see, the new medical system at the clinic I go to is so bad, that when I told them i could not put any weight on the knee,  they said "Well we can't get you in today, but i will leave a message for the nurse to call you back."  Well later in the day, the nurse called.  She could not even get me in the next day.   I told her to forget about it!  I would go buy a brace and take care of myself.  I was a little annoyed.

So, feeling a bit down,  I got up this morning, put the knee brace on and set out for work.  Just as I turned the corner,   the enormous full moon came into view in the western sky,  which was totally clear, and the air was crisp and cool.  It was so amazingly beautiful, I just forgot everything and was in awe.

"The moon is at her full and riding high, Floods the calm fields with light.  The airs that hover in the summer sky Are all asleep tonight." William C. Bryant

So, thank you Earth for sending me that beautiful message this morning.

How my mind works

"My formula for living is quite simple.  I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night.  In between, I occupy myself the best I can."  Cary Grant

Today  I am feeling a bit anxious and a bit alone.  I had a lovely weekend with my friends and with Steve.

I had a lovely dinner and chat with my good friend last night,  still however, I am feeling like I just want someone to talk to right now at this moment.

I never quite understand where these feelings come from.  Why am I such an emotional person?  I have a lot of work to do and I am very grateful for that; I have a lovely family and I am grateful for that; I have a wonderful person to spend my life with and I am grateful for that; I have delightful and caring friends and I am grateful for that.

So i wonder why i get these overwhelming feelings of be alone and needing just to talk with someone.

Whatever the reason, just writing it down helps me to just put that feeling on a shelf and get on with the business of being happy.